Jillian Dronfield, LMSW with the Michigan Medicine Office of Counseling Workplace Resilience shares some suggestions for navigating the holiday season.
The holiday season is often a time full of connection and a sense of wonder. We carve out time to spend with friends and family; we gather together for moments of gratitude and delight, gift-giving and celebration.
Yet, when we have suffered a loss, we may no longer look forward to the holidays in the same ways we previously had. In fact, we might experience dread or unease; we might want to hibernate and ignore everything until Spring.
Grief is a universal human experience, and also a highly unique one. We all have endured the loss of someone or something dear to us in our lifetimes. And suppose the loss is the death of a loved one. In that case, our grief can show up in a myriad of ways, especially during highly charged times of the year, including birthdays, death anniversaries, significant milestones, and holidays. Whether this is your first set of holidays without your loved one or you have weathered multiple years of mourning, we invite you to read through these tips for navigating through grief this holiday season.
Plan Ahead
Even if you are still determining how you will be feeling on the holiday itself, it is best to set up a plan ahead of time for various scenarios. What coping strategies might you need to enact? What can you have available in your home, if the need arises? You may want to ensure that your noise-canceling headphones are charged and that you’ve set up a playlist on Spotify or a watchlist on Netflix. Maybe you’ll need to schedule a grocery pick-up ahead of time so there are healthy food options (that don’t require preparation!) available when you don’t feel like cooking or leaving the house. You may also want to add (insert comfort food here) to the list.
It is good to have your tried-and-true friends and support people on-call for you that day. Let these trusted people know that you may need to call on them, being clear about what you might need in real-time. If they are local, that might mean physically stopping by for a hug or a shoulder to cry on. If they live outside of the area, that might mean irreverent texting and memes to help with distraction. Moreover, clear communication with the family members with whom you will be celebrating will be essential to identify your needs and boundaries, along with their requests if they are grieving too.
Create New Traditions and Rituals (or not!)
David Kessler, author and grief expert, notes: “Try the holidays in a new way. Grief uniquely permits us to evaluate what parts of the holidays we enjoy and don’t.”
Traditions may seem fraught with complications around the holidays. We may feel resolute in doing something completely different this year because the reminders are too painful. The opposite may also be true; we may feel drawn to experience some familiarity in those time-honored traditions. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate (or not) during the holidays. Both approaches may have a place in your life, and both can feel meaningful. In the book, What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help You Through Any Loss, the authors assert: “Small rituals are just as important as more significant traditions. We say this to reassure you that even if larger traditions have to change, keeping smaller and more doable traditions may provide a sense of consistency and comfort.”
Self-Compassion
The most important tip for coping with grief during the holidays is to be kind to yourself. It can be difficult to envision any sort of joy while grieving. You may feel pressure to act in a certain way or pretend like everything is fine. You may want to create holiday cheer for young children in the family but not feel like you have the energy to do so. All of these experiences may cause painful emotions to arise. Greet those feelings with the kindness that you would provide to a friend in need. The following Self-Compassion Break practice, developed by researcher Kristin Neff, provides an excellent opportunity to address this experience. First, acknowledge that this is a tough situation and that this experience is painful. Next, recognize that many other people around the world experience pain, guilt, or loneliness during the holidays, and you are not alone. And finally, you can make a statement of self-kindness to yourself. For example: “May I find some ease. May I show patience to myself through this grieving process. May I give myself a break?”
Often, the first round of holidays is just about survival. Each successive year may have its challenges as well. And whatever you decide about traditions and needs this year may change next year or the year after. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Acknowledge what you think might be helpful during these challenging days, ask your support system for what you need, and, in the words of the late John O’Donohue, former Poet Laureate of Ireland, “be excessively gentle with yourself.”
Hear More About Coping with Grief at the Holidays
Jillian shares more suggestions to support your emotional well-being in this podcast: The Wrap: Coping with Grief at the Holidays.
Need More Support? We’re Here for You
If you’d like to learn more about mental health services or are interested in support, counselors are available at no charge to you for confidential services. If you work on an academic campus, reach out to the Faculty and Staff Counseling and Consultation Office (FASCCO) at 734-936-8660 or via email at [email protected]. If you work at Michigan Medicine, reach out to the Office of Counseling and Workplace Resilience (OCWR) by calling 734-763-5409 or sending an email to [email protected].
